Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Fireworks Etiquette

Via Ace of Spades, some 4th of July do’s and don’ts. Fireworks Etiquette.

“Be sure to wear safety goggles when you shoot bottle rockets from your mouth”.

“Don’t let your drunk cousin smoke and handle the bag o’fireworks”.

“You can light a M-80 with a cigarette, but you really shouldn’t light a cigarette with an M-80″.

“If you must fire rockets out of your ass, at least use some lube. If the rocket cannot escape smoothly, you will have a burnt ass”.

“Blind people do not enjoy fireworks as much as you might imagine, what with not being able to see the display and really only have the sound to work with. So be sure to set off your fireworks as close to a blind person as possible, so that they experience the full power of the explosive, including the feel of the blast wave. This really works best if you do not tell the blind person of your plans in advance”.

I should add a couple more from my own investigative research on this important subject.

When placing an aerodynamically shaped decorative foil nosecone on a bottle rocket, take the weight of the metal into account lest the launch reach apogee at six feet, blowing micro-fragments of aluminum confetti in all directions.

Duct tape has marvelous blast altering powers. An M-80 adhered to a solid oak door dramatically enhances the sonic effects. Use this knowledge with consideration of others.

When you notice the police observing your private fireworks display, it is quite proper to offer a complementary beer to the officer. You are either in trouble already, or not.

Nothing quite says ground display like a spray can of aerosolized ether and a bonfire.