Monday, January 29, 2007

Bracing for the Planned Anxiety Onslaught

A tsunami of vague scary predictions is about to crash onto the structure of the modern economy. As a global warming denier there is nothing to due but brace for the impact and hope for survival by hanging onto the principles of sound science.

We Are Doomed Doomed Doomed: Friday sees the release of a vast report on the science of global warming written by the experts of the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). … The report will say that it is "highly unlikely (less than 5%)" that observed warming and ice loss are due to natural factors, and that human activity will increase global temperatures, sea levels and extreme weather events in coming decades.

Rumors circulating in advance of the official release speculate that predictions from over twenty different computer models have been reviewed. Since no two computer games seem to be reproducing the exact same results the United Nations simply decides consensus is the new science. There are whispers that some programming produces horrible visions of the future.

New Climate Model Predicts Greater 21st Century Warming: For the first time, scientists have incorporated multiple human and natural factors into a climate projection model. They predict that increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, due to changes in the carbon cycle, combined with a decrease in human-produced sulphates, may cause accelerated global warming during the 21st century, as compared with simulations without these feedback effects.

No … not just accelerated changes … unstoppable earth killing changes!!!!!

Next decade 'crucial' on warming: Such an unstoppable climate change could occur if greenhouse gases continue to grow and temperatures increase in kind, researchers warn, causing the planet's once stable natural systems to lose their equilibrium permanently. The researchers maintain that if specific changes do not occur soon, Earth's once stable environment could become increasingly inhospitable and potentially disastrous during the 2040s, the newspaper said.

Showing fearlessness in the face of the looming apocalypse, Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle announces a plan to fight global warming by forming a task force. My first question to the committee is going to be: If carbon dioxide is so good at trapping heat, then how do you explain cold beer? I may as well ask. I am a global warming denier, they already think I’m a retard.